Reading about different emotions that evolve in a person as part of my school assignment the strangest one that I could not figure out was “crush”. I did not know why. I did not want to refer a dictionary, I was sure it would not help me. Emotion are better understood when you feel them; I thought. Though I completed the assignment successfully, still there was something incomplete. As time passed, everything around me changed. I was told I am mature enough to understand what’s doing around me. I too accepted most part of it. Shakespeare said world is a stage, and we were mere actors who play our part in it. My stage was being set. The time has come for my entry. Everything changed after that. The way I looked at the world, the way the world looked at me. May be nothing changed, and only I felt that way.
INTRODUCTION
Teenage is supposed to be the best part of everyone’s life. But not mine. I was a couch potato. Sitting at home, spending the most of the time with my mom. I did have friends but I did not spend much time with them except school. Sharing funny stories with my mom were what I preferred. She being a teacher was the best part. She understood everything better. Some time she would even figure out what would the guys have done even without me getting to the ending? We sat together and laughed at the pranks at school. When she cooked I would sit on the kitchen table and talk. This way I learned a lot of cooking. That is the best part, I would do one thing, but end up learning something more that I never expected. Growing older the pranks in school changed. I knew time had come, that some things could not be shared. Sometime I thought, the reason that my mom gets me well is because I was a part of her, at least for a short period of time. What would it be if it was someone else I thought?
THE PLAY BEGAN
College days began, everything there was different. Studying all these years in a boy’s school had its up sides, but there was one disastrous side that I have mentioned earlier. I have never talk to a girl in my entire life. It might be hard to imagine, but it’s true. Other than my mom, and family no single soul. I knew that well, but I did not bother about it at all. The college class room has enough Girls, but I was not interested in them at all. So I did what I did best, bond with the guys. The fun in the last bench was ultimate. Most days some guys did not even have pens to write notes; we would pretend writing with our bare hands.
After a month there was our college day, that was when the fun when to the peak. There was more action “off stage” than “on stage”. We guys did everything to keep the spot light on us. Our faces were all over. That had being a mistake that changed the course of events in college. After that people knew who I was. By this time, I had a huge list of friends in Facebook. I did not know most of them, all I knew was there were from my college. So I added them all. One of the most interesting part was there were some from my own class, whom I have not even spoke to before.
Things started changing when the college started after the brief holidays. (I don’t call it semester holidays; I never gave a dame about exams) The class was not same after that. The part of the room that I have always ignored starts appearing in my radar. I could sense, nothing was ever the same.
But there was this girl who always smiled when I entered the class. I did not know why. I have been noticing this for some time now. She smiled. But did not speak a word. I too did the same. Rather I was afraid to make the first move. Days passed by, the routine went on. I knew I had to make the next step. I had a plan. And it was what I’m always good at “being stupid”. When our professor asked us to describe smile, I just popped up from my seat and shouted “smile the reason for love, and war”. She turned, looked and again smiled. And this time I knew it meant go ahead. The first time I stood in front of the whole class and talked. Stage fright, tension, there was nothing what first timers complained about. For me there was no audience, it was just her. She listened, that was enough. After making my point I took my seat. Guys went gaga over the talk, but I was expecting something else. I wanted her reaction. In vain. She did not respond. But I was happy; around me they thought I was happy about the first talk. In me, I was just thinking about her who was grazing at me for such a long time. That was enough, I though. From that time I made it a point to get in front for any talks. Just to see her, see her smile. Get the feel of that energy.
The episode of smile continued for quite a long time. I was coward enough not to strike a conversation; nor fate had any plans for us to meet up. I don’t blame either. The time hasn’t come yet I thought. What was happening in me was amazing. It was not love, and I was sure about that. Only now I could describe what crush exactly is. Nothing to give , nothing to take. Still I enjoyed it.
Finally came the day , that I was waiting for . “You talk really well” she said. Even her eyes meant the every word that her lips said.
“Not really, I just speak non- sense I replied”. Again was the smile. The smile that I would do anything for. “But I like that non-sense she said.”
“Why don’t you talk anytime? I was expecting you to, but you never did” I asked.
“I play the part of audience well she said” I did not reply a word this time.
Soon every day we would talk something. At least I made a point to say hi every day. But I made it a point not to bid goodbye anytime. We became good friends. She helped me, and I too helped her. Nothing mattered much to me when we were together. But my friends did start noticing the change. I did not have to convince them, they all knew well I would not take stuff beyond friendship. Other gender has never grasped my interest until now. This girl too wasn’t special. But the smile had something mystical.
This went on for a 2 years. The friendship between us was really great. We enjoyed each other’s company. But I made it a point that I at least had a chat with her every day.
Every time I talk to her, I look at her smile, the smile that makes me cheerful for the rest of the day. But things changed soon. Nothing really did, only I thought it that way.
Final year had come up and everything was going the way it should. Most of us were busy with our project .somehow I managed to get her into my team so that I would at least be happy during the last year of stay together. But just one day changed the way everything shaped up for the last 3 years. I happened to participate for a inter college cultural fest. I hadn’t been for anything that huge, until then. When I turn around, there would be beautiful girls all over. It was a awesome feeling. I never thought the world had this number of beautiful girls. More than enjoying the moment I felt proud being amidst them. Each and everyone there was unique, in their talent and looks of course. We guys used code words to point out the besting looking girl who was sticking around.
“Now I understand the difference between limited edition and mass produced cars “one of my friends said.
But there is one problem with most of the guys. When some girl says hi, they just try being nice to her and forget about their friends. This place was not a exception too. Coming to a place with 5 guys and now no one to stick around felt terrible but had no choice; I just moved on, participating in my events. In the debate, I was put against a girl. She wasn’t beautiful than the girls that I just saw. There wasn’t anything special, but there was something really great which I realized only after a few minutes. After the debate was done, we sat together and she said “you were good, you think differently” and then she smiled. The smile was more than just a smile. There was lots of energy and charisma in it. The moment she smiled, it wasn’t just her teeth peeping out her lips it was also the charm out of her soul I forgot everything around me. And I knew she was the reason for it. Everything at that moment made me feel different. She pulled out her cam and asked me to click some pictures of the place around. I did not hesitate. I did not know she had other plans. “Hey come on man, a picture together she said.” I wasn’t happy or sad. I preferred clicking a snap rather than being in it. All I wanted was to see that smile again.
. Whatever I did that hour, I was happy. It was the usual stuff; still everything had a different dimension to it. It was the energy around her that she spread; that made everything seem special. Soon then her friends came, and she had to go. She introduced me to her friends, I did not bother. I wanted to look at her, and make sure that I never forgot her. So that next time something bad happens, I could close my eyes and think of her. That energy would help me recover.
“Bye, enjoy our day”, she said. I did not know if I could.
All the way home and next day to college, it was that smile in my head. The usual days started off and, adjusting with it was initially difficult. I did not even share those moments with other. I knew I would be tagged a fool for not even knowing who she was, even her name. But what about the smile that inspired me to get off my seat and talk in front of others. What about that girl who started all this off this. I totally forgot about her. She was indeed in the very same class, but I foresaw her, each time for all these days. I had to catch up I thought so went to her , before I could say something she started off.
“Where were you”, she asked and her eye brows just shrunk and her forehead just wrinkled in quizzing me.
“I was busy ogling” then I laughed to take the tension off.
Until now I haven’t seen a flower blossom. But I witnessed something much more wonderful than that. The expression in her face just transformed. From the quizzing face to a splendid smile. I was just lost in that smile.
But I missed this, a lot. I thought. But I did not say a word.
Though I liked her a lot, I never wanted her to know about it. I was afraid if she would know. There was something in-between us that would never happen again. There was a great friendship, which I was not ready to compromise. And there was something more that only I just felt, but I rather leave it that way.
Time passed by and we moved on. We all graduated and many people migrated to different places. Facebook was the one thing that kept us glued on you our past. Likes, comments and status updates, all part of facebook as usual was going on and everything was fine. Changing jobs, relationship status and weekend party hosted by my friends were all just adding up my notification bar, I did give everything a miss. My 29th birthday flipped the coin. She was online and pinged me for wishes. I was desperate to see her and was installing Skype. My crappy internet connection added to the misery.
“I am getting married next month” she said
I did not know what to say. Time has passed. I have changed a lot and I am sure she would have changed too. But I had the same state of mind when I think about her.
“omg , super J treat “was my reply. I was just being that old guy college idiot again.
“So you are still the same idiot J “she said.
I got the feeling that she would be smiling now. And I was overjoyed.
“I will be there, don’t waste an invite for me” I said
Soon she was off, and I as usually was carried off by my work.
Whenever I got time, I was thinking about what to get her for her wedding. Nothing would be enough.
Finally the day came. I was going to see her after a really long time. I did not know what to expect. The only gift that I could come up with was to fill the entire reception with loads of flowers. I just wanted to see her sit amid the flowers. And I did not care what people thought.
I went to the bride and bridegroom. He was smart , but nothing could match her. She was more than happy. The smiled showed. Her energy was all around. I could feel that. Her smile was more beautiful than the blossomed flowers around to her.
“Hope you always smile. It makes everyone around you feel better.” I said and was about to leave.
But she held my hand and introduced me to her husband.
I was just nodding. Sound entering my ears did not reach my brain. With a fake smile I nodded.
“Why aren’t you not marrying she asked” I still smiled.
“Are you in love?”
When she asked that, there were million answers processed ready for the reply. But I did not use those reply.
“I don’t know if I am in love” I replied.
She smiled, and pat me. She would have taken it seriously. But that was the truth. I did not know. I still don’t know.
Its better this way I thought. Just to see the smile, smile that give you the energy to do anything. And I moved on.
I made sure I will follow her anywhere to see that smile.
